Reading bad writing is like eating half-done macaroni.

It’s almost satisfying, but mostly leaves you wanting to order out from the corner Chinese restaurant that gives you vicious diarrhea.

What’s got me all grumbly now? Last week I read a guest-post about writing better copy. It was, ironically, perfectly fit for a funeral home brochure, and contained half-chewed advice destined to stop any budding writer in his or her tracks.

So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. We’re gonna put some of this assfuckery to bed, one installment at a time.

And what classier way is there than that to introduce:

How Writing Advice is Killing Your Writing, The Series

We’re gonna kick the series off by talking about intelligence. Yours, mine, and that of your audience.

Now, intelligence might not sound like it has a whole lot to do with writing technique. Usually writing advice concerns itself with effective headlines, verb/noun agreement and conjugating your mom.

But as you’ll see throughout this series, the way you treat your audience is paramount to the way they receive your written message. And treating them like a bunch of cavemen is going to ruin your writing.

And that brings us to the two most common enemies of know-it-all copywriters: long words and long copy.

Copywriters who don’t know better like to parrot a copy-disfiguring mantra: “Short, simple writing makes a better impression.”

Right. Because apparently we’re all a bunch of gerbils.

I don’t know how to refute this any more simply than with a bit of poetry:

People like awesome shit.

Tada!

Here’s some more poetry for you:

If people are putting down your writing because you used a large word, your writing sucks balls. Period.

People like good music, good art, …